Friday, June 29, 2012

Time to get real and "back on the wagon".

I just want to cry. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I have been on the verge of tears all day. I need a good cry but haven't been able to really get enough time alone to let it all out. Today I saw on the scale a number I never wanted to see. A number I swore I would never allow myself to see. A weight I promised myself I would never reach. It's easy for people who aren't my size to say things like "how could she let herself get that big?" I have heard a lot of that lately. Not people saying it directly to me, but comments in general like on Facebook about photos of others struggling with obesity. It's crazy. It's not like I woke up one day and thought: "hey, I would love to be 303 lbs, I'm gonna work towards that". Yes, I take responsibility for my state of being. It's no one else's fault. But there are reasons for it and comments like the one I mentioned make it sound like all you have to do is think "I want to be thin" and you will be thin. Maybe it's easy for them but it's not for most people. Anyway... That's the number I saw on the scale today: 303. I always thought if I ever saw a "3" at the beginning of my weight I would have a breakdown. I haven't felt quite that bad, but I do feel like it's all just hopeless right now. I know I can turn things around if I just find the determination. But right now I just need to come to terms with where I'm at and accept it, and be done with beating myself up over it. Then I can move on to change. That's all I can manage for now.

Thanks for reading.
- Debra

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