Saturday, November 22, 2008

Struggling and sad. :(

I can't believe it's been 2 WEEKS since I blogged last. Not good. It's not surprising though, since I've been struggling quite a bit. When I'm having a hard time sticking to my goals, I tend to withdraw from things, basically ignoring and denying what I'm doing... and that's actually what I'm trying to prevent by keeping this blog. Obviously not working so well so far. I guess I still have a lot to work through. I'll try harder to blog every day because it helps me stay on course, and keep things at the top of my mind. Clearly it's just too easy to stray from the path I'm on, and wander around oblivious to what's happening, continuing to do what's comfortable for me... which is what I've always done. Unfortunately some of the things that are comfortable for me are things that aren't working in my life, and what I need to change in order to improve weight, my emotions, my overall health. So, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone again and typing my thoughts and emotions. Honesty and transparency are the only things that seem to get my feelings out. Some people may think I'm crazy for posting my deepest thoughts in a public blog for anyone to see. But I figure at the very least, someone else may relate to my struggles, and I know how much it helps me when I come across someone who's going through the same things... and it's proving to be therapeutic for me to get things out in the open.

I'm trying hard not to beat myself up for not doing better, for not being closer to my goal... but it's difficult not to. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but this is new to me since I've always been so hard on myself. For instance, piling on layers upon layers of guilt every time I eat something I don't want to be eating. The reality is I feel truly sad. I have done SO much research on living foods. I know in my heart, mind and soul that a raw food lifestyle is what I desperately want and need in order to not only be healthy, but also be the best person I can be, inside and out. I remember how much better I felt when I was raw before. Right now I feel pathetic, and weak, and so frustrated. If I know from experience how much better my life is when I'm living a raw food lifestyle, why don't I just do it? What is holding me back? I'm struggling so hard to increase my percentage of raw food, and some days just to stay raw at all. I don't know why this is. I love raw food. I feel awesome preparing it, I love serving it, I feel wonderful eating it, and I feel amazing after I eat it. The more I eat the better I feel emotionally, physically and mentally.

But... I feel this fear that I don't know the source of. It keeps holding me back. It's like I'm scared to be happy. I'm afraid of being successful. I'm worried that if I'm healthy and thin again my life will change and I don't know what it will be like. It seems so irrational, but there it is...
It would also mean I'd have to take more responsibility for my life... I won't be able to hide behind all my extra weight anymore. Hmmmm... I think I'm afraid of my emotions. I'm a very emotional person and cooked food keeps everything at bay. It numbs everything. When I'm raw the black cloud starts to lift and everything starts to become clearer, and emotions come to the surface. I think I'm afraid of working through all those emotions. So I need to find a way to come to terms with it and realize that I can get through it, and once I've released all the emotions things will be SO much better. Things will be amazing. I have a wonderful hubby and a best friend I can lean on, who'll put up with all my emotions. I hope they're ready for it.

Well... that was a mouthful, wasn't it...

Next time I fall silent for more than a day or two, someone PLEASE give me a kick in the butt! Seriously...



  1. thank you for posting this. I could have written it myself. It is my truth as well. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one having such thoughts and deviating so far from what i know is in my highest good.

    I am scared to face the feelings that surface when I'm not comfort eating them away with my addiction to cooked and junk foods. No matter what my head knows ( that I'm not the first to feel this and that I DO love so many raw foods) my old habits creep or force their way back in.
    I'm working so hard to be patient and loving with myself and just taking it one day, no, one hour or minute at a time. Let's be kind to ourselves together.

    here is a virtual hug specially for you,{{{{{{{{{{Debra}}}}}}}}}}}

  2. My Dear Debra,
    I am so sorry that things are so hard right now. I know more than what you have posted here and I think that the feeling you have is the feeling of being overwhelmed. You have had a lot of worries lately and it is really hard to focus on yourself when you have worries like you have had lately. I don't want to post too much on this topic because it's not my right to mention these worries you have had. All I can say is that you are trying to focus on things that are coming from every direction. I totally know how that feels and it is overwhelming. When you get overwhelmed it is easy to stray from your day-to-day plans.
    One thing I think may help is making up an action plan for when days are tough. Perhaps you and I can take a little time and do a menu plan. (I REALLY want to do this) I would love to do this with you. If you know each day what is on the menu I think you will feel less overwhelmed. It is true that when life throws you the worries that people generally end up eating junkier foods. You are not alone. When things get tough over here we end up at Denny's or we order a pizza simply because I have not planned for a difficult day.
    I am a pro at being overwhelmed and have started making changes to help myself. Planning a menu really helps. You know the food issues we have here and the size of our family doesn't help either. I have purchased a notebook to use as my menu planning book. I want to do 1 month of menus at a time if I can. Being organized makes me feel better and more in control of things. I really think this will help you.
    I love you so very much my dear, sweet friend. You are an incredible person and inspire me in so many ways. You have so much kindness and love in you. Let's get together and do some planning.

    Your forever friend,